Record storms, tornados, and flooding have been hitting the Southeast lately; leaving many asking: “What the shit dick is going on around here?”

While scientists are probably busy echoing things about melt off, climate change, and possibly El Nino (I haven’t checked), those of us with a pseudo managerial understanding of Nature need an answer that allows us to blame somebody else and to do so within 140 characters… preferably within 110 characters to leave room for retweets and hashtags. It would be extra awesome if whatever one-word moniker is chosen to be representative of this highly complex scientific theory, that most won’t bother reading into and even fewer will comprehend, has the letter “O” in it. That way someone can Photoshop POTUS’ campaign logo into it, add either a positive or negative statement underneath, and put it on a bumper sticker; facilitating our need to let other people know where we stand on fiscal policy while discussing the weather.

We are, it would seem, in luck. It has taken some extensive filtering of things I remember hearing about briefly from the news sector but I believe I have honed in on a possible causation to our current meteorological disarray. The clue was dangling over our heads the entire time – or rather out from our head, since the concept of “up” isn’t really valid when dealing with celestial bodies – whatever.

As was reported by National Geographic at the end of 2009  and again in the news January of this year, the magnetic north of our fare blue planet is on the move and has been for quite some time. Just this year, it has already caused Tampa International Airport to adjust its taxi way signs and caused a major freak out among people stupid enough to buy into Astrology. (I, personally, was changed from a Libra to a Billy Goat and can now eat cans). But while everyone has been clamoring to get re-inked or figure out wether or not they need Rosetta Stone’s Russian software to prep their Santa letters, the implications of how a change in magnetic north might affect me personally have been, sadly, absent from the news cycle.

After some extensive research into the matter (reading the articles I linked to above) I produced this brilliant image (the original of which, created by Stefan Maus of NOAA NGDC, I right-clicked/saved off the National Geographic article and edited both for my purposes and until my lawyers said it was far enough from the original to use here without copyright violation) to demonstrate my brilliant hypothesis, brilliantly.

Here is my brilliant info-graphic:



As you can see the movement of Magnetic North in Russia has caused the relocation of the SouthEast to the Midwest!! No wonder Memphis and Nashville and Arkansas have been flooding and Mississippi, Alabama, and Georgia have been hit by unprecedented storms… They’re all now (magnetically speaking) in Kansas!

Sure the storms and flooding are a major downside but (silver lining) there IS a 50% chance of flying monkeys showing up. The provincial easing origins of these most recent hazardous weather occurrences, now brilliantly vetted and confirmed by my flawless scientific looking info-graphic, present an easy choice of title for a fictional yet official sounding document and accompanying acronym (bumper sticker makers warm your vinyl printers): Hazards Originating in Provincial Easing or H.O.P.E.

I look forward to seeing everyone at the Kansas City St. Paddy’s Day parade next year, I hear it’s a good one.